Stronger Still

Stronger Still

I woke up with the memory on my mind wondering what the day will bring.

Too afraid to close my eyes so I hold them open till they sting.

Wondering how do I escape this, waging this battle in my head?

I know that no one can fight these demons for me so I try to hide them instead.

I walk around as normal as I can while inside I recall the anniversary of rape.

It's a memory that attacks me in the only place I can't escape.

I wish I could erase it all, every memory I've ever had.

I would give up all the good if it would save me from the bad.

Because no on can protect me here, in this place deep inside of me.

It seems no matter what I do I can't escape the memory.

Everytime I close my eyes I'm back in there again.

After nearly 2 decades of battle I thought surely I could win.

But I'm caught in this circle, this same time every year.

Sinking deep into depression wishing the memories would disappear.

I say I'm an adult, nothing can harm me now.

I'm not a child anymore and I survived it all somehow.

Theres no reason to be fearful, just push past all the pain.

That person is long gone from you, he can't hurt you again.

No matter what I tell myself, I can't make the images fade.

Only one person can save me, so I kneel down to pray.

I want to question why, why God did you let this happen to me?

Am I not your child, did you not hear my plea?

I was calling for you Lord, why were you not there?

Why would you leave me with these scars, a pain more than a child should bare?

Instead I reach out for guidence and beg for understanding.

My words are gracious and careful not at all demanding.

I seek wisdom for His choices, the allowances He's made.

I don't ask Him for deliverance, instead acceptance is portrayed.

Because I know that God has plans for me, and my pain can be transformed.

And that my purpose in this life has yet to take it's form.

In the meantime I thank Him, because I made it through alive.

I made it through the nightmare, and stronger still I will survive.

Every year I'll make it easier, I will claim every breath as my rebirth.

Through my pain I know my God will help me earn my worth.

So today each time I close my eyes, I won't sucumb to the memory.

No today when I close my eyes, I'll think of how much stronger it will make me.

-Mosi

End Thought: "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim.  Accept no one's definition of your life, but define it for yourself." -Harvey S. Firestone